Monday, April 6, 2009

7x7 at Glow in the Woods

Glow in the Woods is a site I visit often. Periodically they post a series of 7 questions and have their writers answer them. You can read their answers and post your own here :
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/

Here are my answers:
1 Give us a few words you would have used to describe your body, your health or your sense of physical vitality before the experience of babyloss—and a few that you’d use to describe it now.

Before: Out of shape, still carrying the final 10 lbs of baby weight I never lost. Now: Getting more fit every day.


2 What do you do to take care of yourself? Has this changed?

Probably the number one coping mechanism I've learned in dealing with my grief is to work out. I somehow never lost my baby weighter from having Samantha, even 11 months after her birth. Now, I'm running again, which is something I haven't done for over 7 years, since my first daughter was born. I'm loving it. I think of my running time as my Samantha time. I listen to my ipod, think about her and work through the pain.

3 Give us one or two words to describe sex or physical intimacy before, and then after the loss of your baby.

Before: infrequent (we had 4 kids 6 and under!), but fulfilling. Now: very conflicted for me at first, but getting better.

4 Has loss and/or grief left a physical mark on you (a scar, a chronic condition, insomnia, a tattoo)?

Oddly enough, after my 4th (and last) c-section, my doctor treated the incision with something that left virtually no scar. I don't know how I feel about that. I have plenty of stretch marks though, which are kind of depressing. I also don't sleep as well as I did before.

5 Do you medicate or control your emotions with food, wine, altered states, prescriptions? Without judgement, what have you gravitated towards in an effort to heal, and how do you feel about it?

There has been no shortage of red wine and other beverages. Oh, and super dark chocolate is a daily indulgence. For a while I totally relied on Xanax to wind down and fall asleep, but that's becoming a bit less necessary with time.

6 Was physical healing important for you in the first year after your loss? What did/does physical healing entail and how did/do you work towards it? If physicality hasn't been a priority for you, what do you do that makes you feel stronger or more able to cope?

I'm still pretty early in the first year. I guess it became very important to me to finally lose the baby weight and reclaim my body. Not that I want to forget Samantha or the effect she had on my body in any way. It's just that I've literally been pregnant or nursing for most of the last 8 years. At some level, I'm revelling in the freedom of owning my body. Also, having been through this kind of loss, I fully understand that there is much in life we can't control. I guess I want to control how I treat my body because I can.

7 If you could change anything about your body and/or health, what would it be? What would it feel like to be either at peace with your body, or at peace with this babylost state?1 Give us a few words you would have used to describe your body, your health or your sense of physical vitality before the experience of babyloss—and a few that you’d use to describe it now.

I'd get rid of the stretch marks for sure. Peace with this babylost state? I doubt it. Acceptance? Do I have a choice?

1 comment:

  1. I'm so very sorry that you don't have your Samantha with you. I lost my son before he was ever born so it's hard for me to imagine the long pain you have been and must still be going through, but I know the horrror of losing your child. Hang in there. Working out is a pretty damn good coping mechanism.

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