Sunday, March 1, 2009


My kids were each born just short of 2 years apart. So before now, I have never had an almost 3 year old child (which my son is now) and *not* had a 1 year old baby to take care of as well. In fact, it was usually around this time in the sequence that I got pregnant with the *next* child. So I'm kind of used to being pregnant and having multiple small children around.

Well, it has been a whiplash-inducing change for us to go from having 4 kids, with the youngest not yet a year old, to suddenly, unexpectedly having just 3 kids, with the youngest almost 3 years old. It's hard for me to even write, but the truth is, logistically, our life is a lot easier than it was before. Emotionally, it's much more difficult because of all we've been through. But feeding, clothing, and bathing them are just simpler tasks without a baby thrown in the mix. The kids are all fairly independent at this point and can play together or entertain themselves pretty well. They really don't need me in the same way that a baby needs her mom.

And this whole concept -- this not being so needed, this having more free time -- fills me with all kinds of conflicting emotions. It IS nice to have a little more time to myself. It IS good to be able to spend more time with my older kids. We can leave the house without a stroller and a diaper bag. We can go on morning-long outings without worrying about naps. We can go to a museum and see more than one exhibit!

But my mind recoils at even reading these words that I've typed. Yes, in a way I'm happy for all of these unexpected developments. But of course, I would give them all back 1,000-times to have Samantha with us again. Yes, we gained some new freedom, but the price for that freedom, well, it was unspeakably high. My baby had to die for us to have this freedom. Not worth it. Not even in the ballpark of worth it.


  1. I go through the same thing with one/two kid(s). We redid our kitchen last year, and we would've even with Maddy, but there were a number of times I caught myself thinking, "well this would really be a bitch with two!"

    The thing that always gets me though is how tough it is to grieve and mother. I feel as though my time is still getting split between two kids, and I still have a time suck. I don't think I could've imagined being a mom of two would be this difficult if one were dead.

    And sometimes, even I wish I had a few more days with Maddy -- even though she couldn't even understand that we were there. I'd give it all up, too.

  2. i was terrified of having 2 1/2 y/o triplets and a baby. really terrified. then she died, and i was "spared" of all the hard work of three two year olds and a baby...except not really. i missed the whole third year while they watched movies (something new for them) and i just...i don't know what i did...was non-existent. i have a feeling that the grief took more than the baby would have.

    the thought never ends, either. they're 4 now, and everytime we take a day trip, go to the supermarket, a friend's house...the thought is there. i wonder how hard this would have been with a baby, a one year old, and so on. i think of them going on the schoolbus at the same time, leaving me totally alone on the same day, and thinking i should be on this porch waving with a three year old. i shouldn't be alone to do whatever i want...i shouldn't be FREE. part of me looks forward to it, the other part is completely broken by it. and it will never be over.