I've decided that I would like to have a quilt made out of some of Samantha's clothing and blankets. My grandmother (hereafter known as “Nana”) does a lot of quilting and in fact made a quilt for each of my kids when they were born, including Samantha. So I asked her if she'd be willing to make a quilt for me, and she readily agreed to take on the project.
Last week I went through all of her clothes and carefully chose the items I wanted to be part of the quilt. I saved a few outfits that I wanted to keep intact, particularly the outfit she was wearing when she passed away. I also wanted to save her “lovey”, the little blanket-toy-thing she slept with. But there are many other great candidates for the quilt; lots of clothes that I remember her wearing that really make me think of her. We even decided we could use parts of her crib bumper and crib skirt for the quilt. I think it will be a meaningful project for my Nana and a wonderful keepsake for us.
Today my Nana was visiting for my son's birthday party (he turned 3 today). While she was here, I went through all the clothing with her and handed it over so she could begin work on the quilt. It was nice to spend time with her sorting through Samantha's clothing and sharing memories together.
But then a few hours later I realized I just wasn't ready. I got panicky just thinking about the fact that I would never see that clothing, as it is right now, again. And I just couldn't do it. I had to have the clothes back. Of course my Nana doesn't want to rush me, and really there's no hurry with this project. As much as I know I will love the quilt, it doesn't have to be done right now. I'm not ready to part with her clothing just yet. It just feels too final. You know, as if her death wasn't final enough.
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i read a secret on postsecret.com today, it was something like:
ReplyDelete"my dad died 13 years ago. i wondered if he faked his own death and went to live in the city he planned to retire to. i now live in that city hoping someday we will reunite; no one knows the real reason why. i know my father is dead, i just miss him."
i think we are screwed far beyond others who know of death, simply because we've lost people we should have never lost. ever. and those other people, they're pretty screwed.
a quilt is a good and nice idea. the only problem is...good and nice are not good and nice enough. nothing ever will be and that can be impossible to accept.